What makes teenagers think that they know it all? Why do they have to be so mean and disrespectful?
90It's Nature's Way of Getting the Birdies Out of the Nest
There is hardly anything as exasperating as your teen child rolling her eyes and saying, "whatever" as she slouches off to her room. Grrrrr! You just want to tell her to wait until she has children of her own!!
I reference girls because I had three of them and only one son. He was uncomplicated and fairly transparent, but those girls were just like me - hormonal, dramatic, and despite it all, lovely young women who would finally grow up and be just wonderful. But the years between adorable toddlers and wonderful compassionate women were often trying to say the least.
To explain the odiousness of teens, go back to the three-year-old whose favorite word was NO screeched at 10 decibels. Add ten years and an assortment of hormones and you have a gawky, pimply, greasy haired child who thinks you are most likely the anti-Christ. Sure, it's hormones, but it's also the way a child thinks. During the years of about 11 through 15, youngsters are far more interested in the opinion of their peers than they are of their parents.
While we suspect that, just consider whom they choose to spend time with - their friends. They deliberately dress alike, while thinking they are being quite individualistic, they use the same lingo, must have the same accoutrements right down the same types of Pee-Chees. They are actually scared spitless that they might be "different" and so cling to one another because they feel safer in the center of the herd.
Parents, on the other hand, are wishing for cleaner rooms, better grades, less mouth and more responsibility. None of those qualities appeals to the teen of the day and there is an instant head-butting scenario over every last thing. If mom says the sky is blue, the child will insist that the rain is ruining their day. Everything is a crisis, usually laid at the feet of the hopelessly out-of-touch parents and their perverse desire to crush the teen spirit.
As the mother of many, and having spent years and years with middle-school students, I often consoled moms who wept over the changelings left to their care. They spoke of a loving and tidy fifth-grader who suddenly turned snotty and unpredictable somewhere in sixth grade. Parents of seventh-graders were completely at a loss to deal with their children whose grades were slipping; their children who spent every moment on the phone and were just plain mean to their peers. Fathers of eighth grade boys were angry and frustrated at the burgeoning and overt sexuality they saw coming from boys who had been fairly respectful in the presence of adults.
They acknowledged that they understood their children when they were toddlers and were going through growing pains and searching for larger worlds in which to learn and explore, but somehow the teen animal was incomprehensible.
I did offer a solution that worked pretty well. It was called "Yes", "No", and "Ask Me Next Tuesday". Here's how it works. Instead of getting into the endless round robin of arguments with your teen over the same old stuff, you are only allowed to answer with any of these three answers when confrontation becomes immanent. Here's an example - you have promised to take your teen to the skating rink on Friday night if she has made her bed and cleaned her room during the week. You may have to actually put that statement and her agreeable signature on a sheet of paper to hang on the refrigerator.
Now it is Friday night. Your child has not made her bed and the room looks fairly trashed and you simply cannot take her to the skating rink because she clearly violated the contract you had.
"Hurry up Mom, you have to take me skating."
"No."
"You promised. How come you always break your promises"?
"Ask me next Tuesday."
"I always do everything you want me to do, but you're such a witch."
"No."
"Didn't you say you'd take me to the skating rink?"
"Yes." - at this point you may point to the contract on the refrigerator.
"I hate you."
"No."
"Why are you ruining my life?"
"Ask me next Tuesday."
You get the point. You haven't bought into the endlessly frustrating and frequent cycle of arguments. Your child will stomp off to the room and slam the door. Don't be tempted to run after and start in about taking the door of its hinges if it is slammed one more time. What if it breaks the door...guess that would be the consequence for violent slamming - no door for privacy. Oh well. Later when things simmer down, you can quietly discuss reciprocity.
Reciprocity, in this case, is of the you-do-what-you-promised, and I-will-follow-suit category. You have an emotional bank account as does your child. You each make kind and thoughtful deposits into each other's accounts. When one of you turns mean and snappish, there are no more deposits and suddenly the account is over drawn. This is the frustration of teen interaction.
Why must all of this happen? Consider this child, quickly turning into an adult. If both of you were the loving unit you wish you were, how could you possibly release this precious one to go out into the world and become the man or woman you wish them to be. Neither of you could bear the walk out that door, possibly never to return except to do laundry. Children would never go off to college to make their own surreptitious mistakes without our watchful eye upon them. It is not necessarily a good idea for a 45-year-old off spring to still be living with Mommy and Daddy.
God in His wisdom, made teen-agers rageful and unlovely at just the point when they need to leave the nest. You become the harridan and the nagging parental unit for the same reason. It's nature's way to insure that children will go forth, find mates and make grandchildren for you.
Of course there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These hideous offspring turn human somewhere around 19-years-old or so. Parents appear to get a lot smarter and actually have some modern ideas after all about the same time. In short, this, too, shall pass. Gently disengage from dreadful behavior and remember that you really do love this child and he loves you too. It would just be way too uncool to say it out loud.
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This makes sense to me. I know, however, that it doesn't always work even if your tips are followed. I also know that neither parent or child is likely to follow these tips at all times.
I still think it is a great post with some very good advice.
Johnny Yuma
Their is a lot parental advice (I like the approach of three options like yes, no and ask me..). Another approach I guess would be if parents/kids can swap and play role playing(of course they need to well research each others positions to play this game well). We once did it in a Master's course about organizational behavior issues(and it was fun). It surely can help to see from a different perspectives for both the parents and the child. I guess even parents sometimes forget they were also once kids and need to understand what the kid is going through. I am not a parent so I don't know exactly how a parent thinks but as a kid sometimes I felt my parents didn't understand me well enough.
The longest 10 + years of a mother's life
Loved this article. My teenagers taught me quite a bit about myself. Once I realized that they actually enjoyed pushing my buttons, I grew up myself. The "Yea, No, Aske me later" type of approach drove them nearly insane. I admit I took great pleasure in my ability to do this....I was good at it! But before I hear any accusations about being a "control" freak: it wasn't about controlling my teenagers, it was about growing up and controlling my temper and frustrations and not being in controll of everything and everyone. I just sit back now and watch my daughter interact with her lovely 20 month old and her tantrums.....KARMA....gotta love it!
Yes, no and Ask me... is a mantra to separate yourself from the teen button pushers. You stay in control of yourself and it just blows them away because there isn't any snappy come-back to those three answers.
My mother gave my brother a mug for Christmas which says:
Teenagers! Ditch your whinging parents. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills - while you still know everything.
I just remembered something that a lady I went to college with told me. Her son and she were having a disagreement about something, and he told her, "Yoy think everything has to be your way." The lady replied, "it is my way or the highway." That would probably settle the teenager down also--I think.
Johnny Yuma
You've seen the t-shirt messages. How about "I survived my teenager". It would sell well. Hey, maybe I just found a recession proof industry.
In my opinion teens think they do genuinly know it all. It's crap though because they have only been around for like a decade and a half. They also have this misguided belief that they know what is best for them.
I say it is a parents' right, nay, their duty, to beat their children to the fullest extent of the law.
Great idea, albeit illegal. Instead get control way before they are 3 years old and keep that hammer down. Don't back up one single step, but keep saying "I love you, unconditionally, no matter what".
I'm still practically a teenager and am scared even to comment! lol
I really like this idea, and wish my mom had implemented it when I was younger (16-18 were my nightmare years and even I recognize that now). It's a really difficult situation, I always knew my mom just wanted what was best for me, but I was dying to get out there and do everything myself. My sitatuion was made worse because I was the angel child...until I got a boyfriend. Somehow, after that, a 10:30 curfew just didn't cut it anymore...
My mother and I get along great now. She recognizes that I'm growing up and can handle some things by myself (and I've actually proved this to her, she didn't just give up) and I've calmed down, and been far enough away from hom, to recognize the value of a mother.
My wife and I must have been very fortunate: three children, boy, girl, boy, in that order, all healthy and well. Apart from a lot of angst with the eldest, we didn't have much teenage trouble with the other two. I put that down to my wife's skill in raising children, not my own. As it was, they all left home at seventeen. Today, as middle-age grownups, they're well-adjusted and successful and the two younger now have children of their own.
A friend of mine way back in the 1960's advised me as follows: "Your kids are your charges. You don't own them. They are put in your care that you might teach them as best you can. When they're old enough, release them." Or words to that effect. It made all the difference, I think.
I'm a teenager, and reading this list of comments makes me feel like I have to apologize for that.
Do you realize how hurtful this is? To read this article, to hear the laughter about what horrible, wicked, evil, ungrateful, terrible people teenagers are, is bringing tears to my eyes. Imagine if you were in my place. How would you feel?
I am deeply, deeply hurt to know that this is what the adults and authority in my life think of me. I had trusted them to treat me as not an adult, obviously, but as a person who at least has feelings that can be hurt.
We are human, you know. We do have the ability to reason. To be a teenager isn't to meaninglessly parrot the words, "You're ruining my life. You're such a control freak. I hate you." It's to realize that your parents aren't perfect, and to attempt to deal with the fact that you can't pick your family. And we are dealing with these realizations the best way we can, which is to attempt to try life outside the home in order to see what it's like.
Bombarding us with accusations of being monsters really, really doesn't help with that process. And treating us as if we're unruly animals really, really won't make us like adults any better.
Thanks a lot for the kind words.
Get a life. If you have enough time on your hands to write paragraphs on how much you dislike teenagers you need a hobby. Also, for your information, the older you get the stupider you get, not on a direct intellectual basis but in the factor of creativity, understanding, and absorbtion of valid information.
well, our 19 year old has started going to uni and wants to move out with her boyfriend. it's her life and her choice, sure..... (and she is classified as an "adult" and therefore has free choice). what she is missing are some economic reality facts. WE parents are expected to pay for the rent and board. This all for her short term gratification. Are we really the worst parents in the world to not be supporting this idea and suggesting if it is SO important to move out that they both get full time jobs to pay the rent and continue studies part time?
Gee, I feel loved.
Really. I do.
I feel that this article talks about all teenagers. It sends the message that all children ages 11-19 are rebellious,bratty, short-tempered, and lazy.
'What makes teenagers think that they know it all? Why do they have to be so mean and disrespectful?'
Really? This line makes you sound childish, judgmental, and overall, what you portray 'teens' to be.
You guys are as bad as we are. You just don't realize it. It might be because all these years of handling teens have made you blind to the truth, too conceited, too fed up, or too prideful to admit you were wrong. You sound like YOU know it all. This is MEAN and DISRESPECTFUL to US. You're being exactly what you're punishing us for. We're not destructive animals, or heartless robots.
Have you no considerations for our feelings?
I'm a teenager. Should I be sorry? Should I be blamed for every bad day you've had? Should I be ashamed of myself?
No. I shouldn't.
You really are acting like adults.
To Cat's Eye - This is funny!!! Of course we know what it is like to be a teen. We didn't get to where we are by by-passing those years....
Katie, I'm not sure "stupider" is a word? I believe the term is "more stupid". I know it's in the dictionary. But there are a lot of words in the dictionary that I probably wouldn't use...and we don't really care if you like us or not. Our job is not to raise friends it is to raise productive adults who need to live in a world where there are many compromises. To teach you to communicate without eye rolling so that you don't get fired from the first job you have. To help you learn how to clean your room so you can someday keep up a home. To teach you how to follow up on you grades with teachers to make sure that you are "getting paid" for the work you're putting in as you will have to do this to ensure your employer is doing the same. To teach you how to keep your emotions in check so that you are able to live in a neighborhood and be someone that others want to live next door to. To teach you to be a role model because someday YOUR children will be on here complaining about the things that you are saying about them....
I'm an early teen, and I know quite a bit of high school boys, and they always try to use giant words and when I say something that is a fact they try to argue with it or they say " Wow Really?" In a very judgemental way, and they care too much about what others think of them. My mom gave me this advice, "Im perfect when they're perfect" and I try so hard to use that advice and it helps ALOT. Believe me, I really dont care as much as I used too, but what can I say, its human nature.
"Of course there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These hideous offspring turn human somewhere around 19-years-old or so". Thanks for this comment because I now know what is going on in an adults mind every time they push their own conveniency on us... I'm not going to say it hurts when I read that quote but I do know that it is equally an adults fault as to the teenager but it usually hurts us more. Especially the younger ones. The "responsible adults" tell us to do something, we usually try to do it though I admit that we don't listen sometimes. But when all they were hoping and waiting for eagerly for a week to go to the skating ring and you just say "No" without further explanation other than them not having clean their room is a huge letdown. At a time like this, an adult would be able to just go out to where they want to go, but have you ever thought about what these "monsters" can do? Drive their car out? No. Why? Because we are either not old enough to drive, or there is no car. Then it comes down to us asking for money. Sure the people who are 16 and older an work but what about us? The younger "monsters"? We are not the ones who changed... We are still as we are as a child but I guess because we grew out of our "cute" stage we've turned into monsters, huh? Please think before you speak and try putting yourself in our shoes. We don't think we know everything, but even the nicest child would go in rage thanks to an "adult" forcing their power on them.
I read many of the comments posted by the readers and all I can say is that if you're willing to ask a teenager what is going on through their minds, maybe they'll tell you. It's hard to always have to listen to someone. "It's my way, or the highway?" do you know how unreasonable that is? It's just forcing your ideals on us. I do agree that we do get out of hand with our requests but if you would only just give us a reason. "Can we go skating?" "No" "You always break your promises, why?" Now actually try to explain instead of "Ask me next Tuesday". A simple "I'm tired" would even be okay. Though, you never do think about that do you? But, on a side note... I do agree that if we truly get out of hand adults should be able to strike a child (only if the child is being truly unreasonable even after an explanation).
Thank you for spending your precious and priceless time to read a monsters post. I admit I do not know everything and please try to be actual people who deserve the title as an ADULT.
Sorry for being disrespectful but I thought that this was the only way to get a teenagers thought out there for grownups to read.
Personally, I do not think any of you kids realize what you put us through or how you make us a feel......I as a parent have never told my child that "I HATE HER" nor have I ever told her "I WANT HER TO DIE". Sometimes you kids need to think before you speak....Words cut deeper than you think...We take care of you, love you and make sure you have a home. I personally think that "TALKING" is a great way to solve problems, but how can we talk to you kids, when you feel we are the dumb ones and we do not know anything, but yet we are taking care of you. Some kids are not as fortunate to have a family, you kids need to realize that we love you and want you to succeed in life....
You have changed my life. I have a sixteen year old who knows everything and must constantly use her infinite wisdom to monitor me and correct me. I just don't know how I've survived all that time without her 16 years of wisdom to guide me through my interactions with the rest of society :)
I remember being a teenager who couldn't wait to be an adult and show the adults of my childhood how it was supposed to be done. After all, the adults in my life were the cause of most of my problems. Before I knew it I was an adult. I had to prepare for a "real" job. I had to cope with "real" bills. I had to earn "real" money. Health insurance, auto insurance, renter's insurance, house insurance, electric bills, food, clothing, shelter,...real life stuff. Suddenly, being a teenager didn't seem so bad and more. Maybe what the adults in my life were doing was trying to get me ready for "real" life instead of the fake life that so many teenagers (like me) often live. Every teenager who reads the above article and finds it offensive, should try leaving home, getting your own job, buying your own food, paying your own bills, driving your own car, and being totally responsible for yourself with no help from anyone else.
Do this for 3 years. If you are still alive, then we adults will gladly hear your whining comments with some sympathy for your poor blighted cause.
While teenagers can show SOME of those, I beg to argue that not all are 'brats' and think they 'know everything'. Sometimes they have their own logic, and you're being the unreasonable one. I'm twenty eight, and I remember being a teenager well...and I wasn't always the unreasonable one.
As a fourteen yer old, i am very thankful for hearing some adults input. My mother and I, have been having some "respect" issues. Apparently, she finds saying "yeah" disrespectful. I felt I needed some time to reflect on this, she replied whit, "no, you don't need any time to think about this, because you have no choice, you live in my house, and you will abide by my rules." I replied with, i understand i live in your house, but shouldn't i be entitled to some rights over the way i speak.
many, teens/pre-teens show alot of respect but parents never seem to aknowledge it. i never thought parents could say such things about us teens. i am truly amazed and somewhat hurt. perhaps, if you "'parents" would put your egos aside for once we "monsters" could have a better relationship with you.
At this age, we truly are conflicted, and have many problems of our own. We feel, that you guys don't care. And to be honest, after reading this blog, and the following comments my assumptions are confirmed. You poor excuses for adults truly don't ive a damn about our feelings, because you take care of us. well, that's a poor excuse, because for the most part we try to help so much, and you just don't see it. you never see the good, only the bad, and that is why so many of us simply say "screw it," and let go of our manners, respect, and discipline.
thank you for sacrificing your precious and fleetin time to red this.. God Bless
When our son kept saying "I just want to be free" meaning that he didn't want any boundaries or responsibbility - just wanted to use our money and have fun....this is what I told him:
You are more free now, at 17, than you will ever be. Now you only have to answer to your parents - life is really pretty great. Someday you won't have to answer to us but will have to answer to your landlord, credit card company, utilities, car note, taxes, boss, wife, kids, and on and on.....Enjoy being a teen...you'll look back and wish you had!
I am a teenager. I agree with Cat's Eye completely. You are an idiot who generalizes about all teenagers, probably just because of what you see in the media. There are some teenagers like this, but most are kind, considerate and intelligent. This is just how it is with adults as well.
By the way, if teenagers are really as awful to their parents as you say, they are more likely to physically attack you than to storm out with "yes, no, ask me next Tuesday."
You are a prejudiced ass and I find your article quite offensive.
This just makes me laugh. You think you're smart with your "yes" "no" and "ask me Tuesday" comeback? Are parents really that scared to stand up to their children? That's weak and quite honestly embarrassing. Parents always say they know what teenagers are going through because they went through it too, but they don't, because times are so insanely different, that they wouldn't know shit if they were teenagers now.
This article is offensive and close-minded.
Don't you think that something must have gone wrong with the parenting to turn cute children into hideous monsters. Some kids in other countries REALLY respect their parents. I mean really respect them. It has to be something about our culture, peers AND parenting that has an effect on these supposed "brats".
The fact is I know that there are A LOT of teens out there who spend all of their time and (parents) money getting drunk and stuff but I really do not think that every teen should be tarred with the same brush. I, in my early teens, physically refused to be called a teenager. I was in a way scared that because I was now a teenager everyone saw me as somehow different and that I would suddenly become a "hideous monster", a ignorant "brat", a stroppy ,temperamental, hormonal, peer obsessed , disrespectful being. I didn't feel any different when I turned 13 but that was what I was supposedly going to be like simply because my age had the word 'teen' in it. I know why it's like to see a parent being yelled with "I hate you" "your the worst mum in the world" blah blah blah because I have a sister who did that and I know "it cuts deep" but just because some teens are like that NOT EVERYONE ELSE IS. Some teens (shock horror...) are actually bothered about what grades get etc. I've just spent my holidays solidly revising. I play many instruments. I don't live my life by the computer. I haven't slammed a door since I was about seven and I know that I flippin well don't know everything. But I am fairly sure that the majority of you did do exactly the same things as your snotty, mean teens are doing and although you are trying to make sure they "don't make the same mistakes as you" you didn't turn out all that bad did you ? Looking back at the words describing teens in this article (mean, they don't have enough respect, think they know it all ) aren't these all the things teens supposedly call their parents. Honestly teens and parents are as bad as each other, you could atleast meet halfway and not DEMAND that they do things your way because "it's my way or the highway". Like I said, I was frightened that I was going to be classed as a teenager by adults and would be treated as ,effectively, a monstrous animal. I reasoned with myself and decided that adults would not be so prejudiced, hurtful, and dense but thanks a lot, this article has just proved my preteen fear. That adults can't really see past the stereotypes and don't even deserve to be called 'adults' until they can.
Hey I appreciate the teens comments on here, I also see that the way we have described our teens could be offensive. The biggest shock for me has been that Ben (14) now thinks everything I do/ think/ say is utterly ridiculous. So we quietly laugh and get our own back when he's asleep. We were/ are so close that I know he has to break away or forever be a mummy's boy... It's hard, it's painful and it's infuriating. Thankfully he sails, free runs, cycles and goes to the gym so he's not staying out, drinking and hanging about. The main battles are the cutting comments and sarcasm, and total inability )!!) to pick up or make himself food..... That's my job to ensure his room stays a pit and he starves, or he pulls his finger out. Not doing him any favours if I wait on him.. I love him with ALL my heart, I don't always like him. End of, he's my boy, he ll be someone else's man and I feel.... He ll be a good, caring funny man who'll look back and cringe at himself one day, as do I!
Got married to guy with 2 daughters 23 and 21...21 year old is 8 weeks pregnant and staying with boyfriend.....They can't even look after themselfs but they want a child togeter, also staying with people in one house just don't make sense. And the lies o my word it just never stops.....She thinks she knows everything about the adult life but she realy need to catch a wake-up....Hope she is reading this??????
mistyhorizon2003 Level 7 Commenter 3 years ago
What a wonderful tip. If ever I am lucky enough to get pregnant (with my fertitlity issues), I shall remember your advice on how to handle a diificult teenager.